Tremors…nuh that was Fat Straka taking a jog

Last night God spoke loud and clear in our alcahol crowded ears of the impeding times ahead. After the tear gas and crimes i and the police have inflicted on thy neighbour the end is smilingly getting closer and closer. But see am always high all the time and my beats by Dre drumming the ill shit in my ear left and right deeper and deeper into my cranium I rarely hear such things. So when the tremors passed all I thought of was the earth trying to pull off a badly scripted prank but am too schooled to fall for such lame jokes. To bed I slipped in having my own tremors running through my head and I break down below before another actual tremor demystifies my fears and smashes my laptop into two one for Jezebel and the other for me. When I heard my siblings yapping about the earth dancing and rumbling my head was cooking up theses silly thoughts or paranoia. 

The energetic neighbour who had not met in a long time and they were getting an over does of the forbidden fruit. Am not being paranoid here but I have a neighbour house that never lights and only comes to light once in a while like its expecting Santa Claus to pay it a visit. When it lights up its loud like King Kong is thumping his chest. They make love too loud the noise slips through my head phones like uranium across George Bush’s nose hunting Saddam Hussein. The noise is deafening especially when the woman starts to sing those native tongue phrases praising the man’s D-skills while the man keeps throwing stuff around instead of Cumming.

Probably it was African magic locally known as Mayembe juju or voodoo. Our house girl likes gluing her beady eyes on this Dstv channel called African magic where they telecast African movies with one topic in mind witch craft and unknown super natural magic. In these movies the fellas do extra ordinary things like grow penises on the fore heads of their enemies by shaking gourds with symbolic features of their enemies like hair pieces and other material. This is done under the guidance of a witch doctor with one eye painted and when these fetishes visit the purported target they shake the house so hard like it’s built of sand and grass. Such stuff is common on a certain local channel called Agataliko Nuufu so feeling them in my neighbour’s hood I was thinking well reality TV was finally coming to life and one fell ain my hood was the culprit.

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The recipe for a perfect ass-quake

Fat Straka was having a jog and the earth tremors were the earths way of saying that voluptuous body was too much for it to handle. It’s the dry season and the sun has done its fair share of burning and scorching that there is no grass to complaining under her weight so it was the one suffering.  See her cleavage alone is like a full ton of a Toyota dyna filled with sand and her legs moved from big to another word that am still Googling in the dictionary for her behind alone keeps the boys wishing just keep going ma’am. 

Loud ill trained thieves in the hood because some people believe the statement work hard play hard means play harder and work less. They spend most of the time wishing you well so that they can come and scoop what your sweat worked for so long to achieve. These thugs aint smart or have not watched enough Hollywood movies to know that robbery is cool when it’s in silence. Ours come with that metal sh*t, hummers and all loud material they can pick from the streets as long as it can break a padlock. The robbery itself is done loud enough to ensure that any would be good Samaritans sink deeper and deeper in hiding under their beds for the don’t what this to happen to them.

Somebody farting especially my fat friend who likes to eat Rolex and those fatty double decker burgers. After munching away all sorts of chemicals and substances the reaction in the stomach alone can cause the couch to vibrate out of position. When it escapes his Guantanamo bay everybody in the room falls onto the floor with a big thud the neighbours have heard us fall escaping this human concocted tear gas so many times they don’t give an ishh. So when I heard the tremors the first thought that came to my head was probably my fat friend stomach gasses were having their great escape

©nare

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