So the Ugandan chaps living America to take care of Ugandan issues released their corruption reports indicating Uganda had lost its top corruption spot to Kenya. The president so pissed summoned his Hench to explain how such a thing would happen.
This was his speech:
Am not happy you can see it painted on my face like baby make up. I pay you to make Uganda number one in everything. If it’s bad then let’s be the goodest at being bad. It’s our golden jubilee, that small boy Kiprotich did the country proud by getting the Gold Medal at the Olympics even without the government providing him with racing tracks. You, here are in Air Conditioned environment but sleeping, do you know how many funds were diverted to build those Air Conditioners. Do you know how many Ghost projects funded by donors were created to enable you buy those huge pajeros you are driving and posing in when you go to your villages. Like you Bwana Bumba, that Oil industry has been giving you kitu kidogos and small kickbacks and you let the sleeping Kenyans by pass us. I, as Museveni the president of the Republic of Uganda I don’t allow neither accept they bypass us in ranking.
The Kenyans by pass us how? Why? You bwana Jimmy create a probe committee like now now. Was that stupid reported voted on, if so then I need a voter recount there must have been some rigging. I don’t trust my enemies they are out to tarnish my country’s image and I know they will do anything even manipulate the vote counting like we did in the general elections when we cheated Besigye. I want my man; Judge Ogolla on that probe committee those people may use our own medicine on us which is an abomination. I swear don’t allow . . . . . . . in between munching on Gnuts and sipping juice from a glass.
In their report they claim Ugandans are the laziest in the region. I hear the Kenyans and Rwandans as well as the Tanzanians are more hard working. Really? What rubbish? Is that true? Do you know the amount of work we put in to create Ghost Soldiers, Teachers, Civil servants on the government payroll who never get caught by any one. Not even Devil himself can see us sewing together our evil plans. Look at me you all, before I slam this table. Do you know what it takes to get a good price for an armoured presidential Benz on this market littered with inflated prices? Like you ministers and Members of Parliament, we are working and trying very hard day and night diverting money meant for free sanitary pads for primary school girls to get you Ipads and is this what you pay us in return. Let Kenyan take our number one spot at corruption.
And next time those whites and bazungus come to vote on the most corrupt country let them come to my house first thing on landing in the country like the priests usually do before commenting on my governance tricks. My home is next door to the International Airport, I bought that place strategically so let them not get lost. Bwana Finance Minister I want you to prepare a special account with emergence funds so I can compensate those visitors with brown envelopes for their transport. Hope you have not forgotten the rules you jamas have developed this idea of suffering selective amnesia when I give specific orders on procedure, don’t forget that. Am done, gone to my farm in Rwakitura in Mbarara tell my secretary to divert the calls to some random office of her choice not the farm office. I won’t even go to that village burial, just drink myself silly and tell those lovely brown thighed girls with blood red lips to come quickly before I lose this erection. You all such a disappointment to this great thieving country.
For God and my Stomach eh eh …… no country.