How I would sell Uganda to the outside world.

The whites have pizza, the only round thing that comes in a square box apart from a condom. Meanwhile we in Uganda have the ROLEX, a round chapatti with an egg in it. It’s popular with the Basoga tribe along the Nile River. They add vegetables plus tomatoes to add on the delicacy. Eating a rolex is a spiritual moment in which you are literally at one with the rolex. Unlike the pizza, the rolex comes in a white polythene bag and its always super-hot oozing with tasty aroma. It will leave you coming back for more to the great country named Uganda. Others should not miss the road side roasted maize, the Turkish envoy visited us once and nearly failed to make it for the meeting reason, and he had never gotten that kind of satisfaction.

Next up is the thing we call cutting/fixing or making DEALS. We are simply built for this trade. Ugandans will get you anything from the latest Apple Iphone before it is released to the small nail to fix up your curtain wall. We have them coming in all shapes in size; some are corporate who wear suites and carry around Ipads with reckless abandon and will defraud you at the slightest chance if you blink. Others can simply be seen squatting at street corners waiting to way lay their UN suspecting client with talk of I can get you a legit Iphone at half price. Some come with sweet deals promising to connect you to the president like he is their tenant.

Uganda by its national motto is a fully fledged free country I mean we are protected by God, the real God by the way. You can move freely enjoy your money because we are the low party capital. We party when having breakfast, is it a funeral you are planning to commit suicide or war it’s a party for you. We spare time to throw a crazy themed party. Even at work we can throw a party to celebrate not being paid this month and when the booze is little, we simply converge and talk or pull out our smart phones and tweet about how the party sucks even though it aint there.

Ugandans just love beer. We have breakfast by brushing our teeth with beer in the bar at 8AM on our way to work, take lunch with a few bottles and dates are incomplete minus that bottle till the sun comes smiling on us. Our bars have the coolest names like amnesia; you literally drink and forget what reality is all about hence any visitors willing to compete with us that’s the best sell point to visit Uganda. We share and toss those brownies with the police too so don’t be scared that you will be taken to the coolers for drinking beyond limits.

Uganda is gifted by nature and so are the nice women and immaculate ladies of the night. They are our light at the end of a hard days labour after all the disappointments on the news. Our ladies are gifted with booty that will make grown man cry and a priest lay down his Bible. They are endowed by tribe each specialising in a specific gift. The Baganda are gifted with the arse, the best round busty things you will ever meet on planet earth and it’s not plastic surgery, if you love attitude the Acholi’s have that in plenty, the Bahima, Batoro have the best legs, deep waters and never segregate among the men i.e. NO is not in their vocabulary while the Itesot are gifted to run marathons if it’s the bedroom matters you interested in.

Indians have the tricycles, our nemeses the Kenyans have matatus but we in Uganda have health services like boda boda. A motorcycle powered to do business in the city. Although traffic rules stipulate one passenger depending on the riders innovation we can carry up to 4 fully grown adult passengers depending on circumstances. The after sell service is you get to enjoy the stinky smell emanating from their jackets but the positive is you learn to ride by your own traffic rules and create paths where there are no paths or right of way.

Another sell point to use to attract visitors to Uganda is simply just PAY BRIBES to guys to visit Uganda. Like straight up simply walk up to the person, introduce myself while flashing that big smile reach out to the persons hand and squeeze in his palms that dollar with the accompanying words come visit Uganda. It’s doing what advertising does but in a direct way because Ugandan is not built with short cuts.

Lastly just fire myself because trust me marketing Uganda is just having too much on your plate. How do you start explaining to people what to expect in Uganda yet they already know it because the Pearl of Africa is simply UN sellable my friendo.


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