politics – nare

Ugandan businesses Pretending to work online yet they are off it

I could start by complaining at what Obama said about Uganda and how we are complicate our relations with that !@#$%^&* country by passing the ‘Anti Gay Law’ but I won’t go there. Too many tweets about that topic don’t wan to be part of the band wagon instead I will throw stones at Ugandan businesses going digital read putting their businesses online as though the internet is a line of sorts.

Scroll through the many dailies and you will be welcomed by a flood of intelligently named businesses providing every thing from car sales, land title and travel passports in 5 minutes to a mobile spas…..yes I said a mobile spa now get your mind out of the gutter. Of course in the service market its taboo for a Ugandan business to offer one service that’s why a bank will also offer mobile money services and a public servant will offer juicy deals on land sales though don’t ask where he got it. Variety is in our DNA the more the better like our national motto reads don’t put your eggs in one basket not what you see on all legal government documents. Even the business contacts come in threes or five plus depending on what number your are interested in calling although there is a chance its that woman who works at the telecom company informing you how that number you just dialed is none existent on the network or will be miraculously ‘on’ after your beeped on it the first time and it was off. So if your call goes through you will be referred to one caller who refers you to the next and the chain goes on till you run out of phone credit unless you are #tokotarring like those chaps at orange Uganda cause no one ever puts up their 079 numbers for business.

Orange numbers are for the random sugar mummy not business

Then comes the Social trend now everyone wants a piece of the cherry putting up their business on facebook, twitter and websites or any site that claims to have many users like its veriefied. Well the first two work although getting a new post from the company whose services you just fell for will be like driving along Kampala roads not hitting a pothole….impossible just. Don’t call the emergency if you find their latest tweet dated 2010 yet is 2014 going 2015 don’t be left behind even NRM passed a resolution for 2016 yet its still 2014.

With the websites they are never on even though it’s well written out http://penisenlargement.co.ug/ hit it into your browser and this what you get.

Its not your network but that’s how Ugandan business sites be doing business

That’s our normal business day. Yet they are business asking you to bless them with your hard earned shillings like how will I do business with you if you don’t have the time to verify if your site is up and running. If its umeme that’s the issue please keep offline and stick to verbal announcements at least we shall have an excuse for the low sales cause its useless adding a website to your Microsoft designed business card yet Google don’t know it at all.

That applies to the companies bragging to donate to us jobs with our 8 year experience in depositing application letters to random god forbid useless companies only for them to bounce leaving us with egg face.

I sold my vote for a tray of pork and a pot of malwa

we live in a spoilt democratic system. Take it from simple economics demand creates supply which supply sets the bidding price. From old democratic rules the price was your integrity and the bait was he/she’s manifesto. From Cinderella rules he whom the shoe fitted took it home aka the vote……………..

However times have changed take it or leave. Even to ease yourself today it will demand you to give something. Elections are not any different even though many stand on television in their cologne filled suits to tell us none of the above is true. But i have proven it first hand from my bid as EC chairperson which i lost not because i didn’t have the best plan but because my opponent was more willing to release the money which i was reluctant to do……………………….so as i speak he is EC chairperson and am a philosopher on the side-lines busy whistling and wishing on.

the candidates show us their very best

VIEW SLIDE SHOW

DOWNLOAD ALL

Now the price changes from person to person and in what setting you are demanding this vote and why. At our campus the leaders to be have devised means of drowning us in alcohol and letting us munch away on fatty pork thighs at the village bar no wonder we no longer care about our integrity of where my vote will finally end up.

the rehearsal

VIEW SLIDE SHOW

DOWNLOAD ALL

Even though you vote with a lot of integrity the incumbent ends up looking more like the competitor with nothing achieved at the end of the day. So to make it easy for our over worked brains we have decided to auction of votes to the highest bidder since they are all in for the allowances that come with having that juicy leadership post at the campus which sadly i get no share unless am their girlfriend or boyfriend.

the trap on our lips

VIEW SLIDE SHOW

DOWNLOAD ALL

Funny we don’t demand a lot just cheap alcohol as long as it comes in huge quantities and is enough to go around every lip that is available on the scene at that given time since unless you in that vicinity a falling tree cant fall on you………………….

finally deciding whom to vote

VIEW SLIDE SHOW

DOWNLOAD ALL

so after the pleasantries i can conclude that i sold my vote for cheap local brew called malwa and a few pieces of pork……………………….at national level the votes are sold for pieces of soap and bags of salt. so you can easily say the system just got rotten from all angles you can think of.

On the other side of the cheating

Its a dirty game one played with no shame. Friends turn into sworn foes in the twinkle of an eye. Warm relations are turned stone cold as guilt rests heavily on peoples shoulders. The eyes turn from looking foreward to carressing the soil everytime they see you. The breath is cold as allegiences are switched like womens under garmets.
Conversation becomes the most painful thing to hold as your breath reeks of a born cheat. But if you to cheat next time have the sense to hide and wash your eyes. Dont let the tears drop on my shoes you will be soiling my kiwis since 1906.
Whats more worthy to you….money a piece of note with the word legal tender on it. What of friendship……..one that does not cost even a single dime. One built on words you spoke yourself or it was not you like that dude in the shaggy song.
Ohhhhhh now you want back then how sure you its you who is cominig back. I doubt your purity now for it looks like the dark behind your arm. The lines are country roads of your treachery like drankards puke on hand made shoes.
Its not good to cry over split milk but but not……i agree then you shouldnot have given me your word should have kept it in your stinky mouth the world would still be a safe place. But now am wrapping on protective gear running away from your weapons of mass destruction.
What hurts the most is you cheated and you now so guilty you are losing weighty carrying that guilt on your shoulders. Hoping the ground will open up and swallow you in one good mouthful, rewind back the hand of time to the empty promises so you can refill them with what i dont know…….and i dont want to know. So if you meet me any where lets pretend we never met or that i have leprosy and you are sqeaky clean like a Pharisee. Am a sinner and will stay away from your holier than though new fugurine.

On the other side of the cheating

An opportunity in no crisis

Mh funny how fast time flies especially if you are eating things. Funny its like yesterday when the current guild president then candidate was busy canvassing for votes from amongst us. His catch line ‘AN OPPORTUNITY IN A CRISI’ . I am not disputing his opportunity back then was all black for all to see. We wanted change, more transparency and more accountability. The plan was by that the problems of the previous government were not to show its ugly face again.
We the voters believed in big time that the messiah had finally arrived but i geuss i was wrong. The same ghosts came back to haunt us proving we learnt nothing nor forgot nothing. There were bickering over unpaid allowances, misplaced funding that had no money for value while transparency was a myth. Just another word used to add flesh to the manifesto.
The impeding issue of transfer of accounts remained as illusive as those who had invented the idea in the very first place. The funds were not trickling down to the lower levels of the eating food chain as campus secretaries were left to scrap for leftovers and off cuts from the guild cake.
Selective amnesia was this governments best friend from day one despite them swearing in with already typed schedules for the whole term. Events happened as though the government leaders had just woken up from a long slumber. While some campuses were busy holding freshers ball others were bickering over issues of under funding and threatening to boycott any participation whatsoever.
Like i said transparency was a myth with complains from guild leaders that the guild president insistently kept his number off or hang up on people when they happened to call him.
No project was ever started and since none was inherited it means with government was comprised of men fit of risigning since they were all doing alot of nothing.
So the question i leave the guild president what was the crisis that had caused him to think he had an opportunity to change since he looks more cut out like the government he replaced.

Politics bred and fermented in Busitema University

The dreaded days are finally in town staring down upon us. The suits are being dusted away from the closets and being pressed fine clean. For the ladies fancy nails are being replaced with promises of hard work. Gone are the mood swings and anti social behavior are being filed away.

The phrases are turning from I to We. Are thing is spoken in plural tense. We are a team trying hard to get their. Where we are going the manifesto our map. The promises embedded in clear English are the flood lights illuminating the dark path way.

Phrases of IF and I promise are thrown around like monkeys do poo. The smiles are flashed around like Britney Spears pantyless bums. The belts buckled tight illuminate the seriousness of this mission. The situation is crystal clear like the faces on the ballot papers. Take one take two but propaganda is spreading like bush fires….we in the team are taking vows of secrecy like we papal conclave.

The confidence is transferred across the board like Viagra….. Hail Mary come save us from thee the political tricks. Like a virgins blood come cleanse our souls as we decide the lesser of two evils. There faces wide and curvy like Banana to a monkey bless the choice of our hands.

The exchange of the deal is a promise waiting to be broken. One carried in one basket like an untrained farmer. Our hoe is the tick

The government that did nothing and stole nothing

Am not a big fan of bad ways neither am i a fan of holier than though attitudes atleast when not taken to extremes. That explains the outgoing government that has practically done nothing despite having the first successful 8month term unlike other governments. This governments stay in power us comparable to a grave yard….simply too cold.

We all know the drama associated with political power. The buzz and fuzz all in tow but the govt 2012-2013 has been so cold. It was so dull even basic functions of the guild like freshers ball and campus assembly nearly passed un noticed. To make matters worse even we the beneficiaries of the events didnt even bother ask why???? We had gotten used to the saddness we didnt expect much from them at all. We didnt even bother asking why the lack of guild actvities since this govt was only good at one thing moaning about the acute lack of funds.

With that pain we thought maybe they would serve us with some drama but it never came to life. No tales of missing funds, talk of impeachment or any controversy that was making rounds in the corridors of powers. The way they entered is the way they came out only with a few added allowances to their accounts but nothing to write on the pages of history. To show how bad they were when theie was a strike at campus they opted to side with administrators and not students.
No wonder in the pages of history they come out the cleanest dullest govt to hold power

why cant people see this about voting

on election day i stay home. Voting is meaningless, this country was bought and paid for a long time ago. That empty shit they shuffle every four or five years dont mean a thing.
I dont vote because i firmly believe that if you vote, you have no right to complain. I know some people like to twist that around and say,
‘if you dont vote you have no right to complain, but where is the logic in that??’
If you vote you elect dishonest, incompetent politicians, and you screw things up, then you are to blame for what you have done. You caused the problem you have no right to complain.
I, on the other hand, who didnt vote infact, who didnt infact didnt even leave my house on election day am in no way responsible for what these politicians have done and have every right to complain about the mess you have created which i had nothing to do with.
Lastly money is the root of all political ideology and the claim its your right to vote is no right if the same givers of that right can take it away.

I grew up in a culture where they serve coffee first and then tea because life is mostly bitter and a little sweet

Grand pa spent too long visualising the Ugandan dream but all he saw were frustrations that sometimes you never know how he feels in the morning

He always hallucinated about the lost charred dream when the country was referred to not as land but ‘the land’ saying I came to this world with two hands to give and receive not hoard and grab the little that made the land beautiful.

He dreamt of freedom from forced workmanship and tranquillity to cross borders not with tanks but tractors where we would swap harvest and dance merry to tunes of different aromas not hauling fences where borders stood but all he sees today are occasional outbreaks of peace in this land.

We had rocks and brains, from the rocks we made cement and from the brains we hoped to make the future a dream that was raped on the king’s dining table by insolent youth. When we went to work and dig he used put his hoe facing the enemy not as a threat but a reminder of whom to fight but now the hoes point in our country men and frequently rest on the head.

We postponed journeys if it happened to rain now things aint right if the bus is late

he moaned and wish the govt was made of shepherds for it would give them time to think because the more scarred the shrine the greater the bitterness and bloodshed that has stained it but the only lesson he learnt was that we will not be the choosers of our own destiny because the white collar elites are busy trampling trying to think for the blue collar who are politically ignorant.

Once in a while when he prays and tills the land he takes time to probably say names he wishes god to remember because when you place two politicians of today together all you get are three opinions. All bogged down in greed and self interest only using the numbers game to appease that hoe democracy. When papa sees them he always rolls his frustrations in saliva and pours them into the wind. Crushing them under his grey boot because the greed politicians, they are uncultured and refer to men of pas age as useless and backward,

‘They ask what you expect from them; they grew up in caves and wore their pyjamas in the street’

The politicians brand us as used to states telling us what to do I remember one screaming when he was speaking on radio,

‘That we are a people who fear a competitive society because it shakes our bones’

competitive their passcode to unlimited swaths of wealth and state force that they use to scramble the resources of the land as though they are revenging because she slept with their favourite lovers.

Instead of folding his knuckles and fighting for the land the old school way or joining the failed elder states man organization that litter this faceless war over ideology grand pa always locks his artillery in time hoping one day at a future date some fresh face will decord his wisdom and let his love for the land heal the wounds. He says

‘I grew up in a culture where they serve coffee first and then tea because life is mostly bitter and a little sweet’

Mr historical

Couple days ago some structure built on orders from above and seriously peeing shit onto the definition of city planning did the bend over dance for us. It prostrated and was knocked down onto the floor under the heavy weight of bull dozers and the iron arm of the city laws championed by the executive director. Yes for the lazy journalists at their desks and the social media war mongers this was like manna falling from heaven as they jumped onto the band wagon to express what lay in their shallow craniums. This squatter I mean structure of a building with disregard of the scenic surrounding created by the roundabout and architectural minds of those who sank millions into study. You see here in Uganda a plan can be deviated if some dude who sits on the historical lists says it should because those fellas jumped outta their senses a couple of years ago to be specific 26 years and fought in a bush war to dump their definition of freedom unto our shoulders so forcefully expect us to always I am reminded we are religiously meant to return the favour unto them. Even giving the juicy jobs and contracts has not been enough to fill their abyss of bellies and neither cologne their suits we pay for through our taxes.

The big men work in several miraculous ways like they can own the air we breathe in and call it tendered services to God. See that dude upstairs so ashamed of these dudes he even hides his face behind light where our historicals don’t operate.

At their office is a bald man framed up high all straight up in makeup reeling on the helms of democracy screaming at our face am the president of Uganda and thou that believe me shall not impoverish in poverty but will for ever watch their stomach bulge sideways and front ways under the weight of juicy jobs am throwing unto and appointments am making them choose what best fit them like manna because Uganda the new promised for am not Moses but God himself.

No wonder the rip face who sits below the picture all they do is ask

‘You know who the fuck am is’

Yes I know some historical am told who carried a gun when I was still kicking it in my mother’s womb and brought your sanity to the pearl of Africa. See since you brought it we live in a state of not biting the hand that giveth. We not want to begin hustling with trouble because my friend seen that kids face on the Kampala street screaming

‘Times are hard’

The day I went hunting for this mysterious chick nick named jobs and I aren’t talking about stuff like dating sites and pick up lines. I carried my thick envelope not littered and bulging with shake pears bald lines but this French Madame moiselle resume. To get to Mr historical was like picking a needle out a hay stack. That sandal dressed dude even prophesied that easier for a camel to get through a needle hole and I swear meeting this historical is close to this feeling. The secretary breathes arrogance and politeness is her worst virtue. Her face sneer at me like is out to flush her out her job something she held like when Jesus walked this ass.

As the clock drags its lazy feet doing the 360 on its face she finally allows me into the office. Well if you want to see how the museum and modernity mix then historicals office is the right pilot test. He sits with his legs spread like a tiger shark on the prowl and his chics dropping down like the economy. Down his lips drip saliva spread in disgust on these kids who have been natured in their freedom now screaming we need change with all these placards talking about how they the historicals are old. Do they know what it meant to carry no guns but sticks in search of freedom under the hateful eyes of the past leaders like Amin and Obote. Do they know what it meant to sacrifice chances to graduate from university and sleeping next to our loved ones fighting for these dam wits?

Do they know and now all they do is sing song of how people are tired and we growing old but let the know that we brought this freedom courts and shit………………so where we got it we can always take it back.